One Last Thing on Diapers

Because I had this thought today and couldn't remember what I had said before...

Cathryn (and anyone else this may apply to), I would suggest for you, since you seem to want to try cloth diapering and I get the impression Scott doesn't so much, to try the diapers Allie is using.  They're a super good price for those diapers.  The great thing about pocket diapers is you can stuff them with whatever you want.  I stuff mine with my prefolds.  They tend to hold more fluid then the inserts mine came with.  And those diapers are so much like normal diapers that Scott might even be willing to try it. I would not use what we've been using if you want Scott on board and he's not even really wanting to try.

Allie - When you've used your diaper sprayer for a while (after it comes, if it hasn't), please let me know how you like it.  I haven't been able to convince Ryan that it's worth trying one, but if I get convinced enough and show him a good price, he'll probably budge on that.

That is all.

Experiences Can Make Scriptures More Personal- And More Powerful

So, to be honest, I feel kind of nervous writing this because I'm about to share with you something that is quite personal to me and I have with only a select few people.  When Cathryn wrote her "ramble" on scripture study, she mentioned looking at the people in the scriptures as real people.  I try to do that, but it can be so hard sometimes.  I will get back to the scripture people in a second.

I've been trying to have a baby for quite a while now.  I know, how long could I really be trying, I have a baby.  Well, when you want lots of kids and have verified that the potential of A, B, C, D, etc. are much greater than normal since they are hereditary and in your family, you don't do much waiting.

Waiting and waiting month after month gets so frustrating and tiring and fills you with emotions you didn't know existed before.  At least, that's what I found.  It's hard.

Then I was finally pregnant!  I was so excited and in so much disbelief and things fell together so well and it was so easy to see God's hand in the timing.

Then it ended.  It didn't make any sense.  It was so confusing.  It's still confusing.  I knew it was ending before it ended and I was still so sick and that made me all the more frustrated.  I was baffled at my need to mourn a person that didn't exist.  Mourn a loss that was not mine to have right now anyway.

At first all I could do was cry, at everything.  All I could do was feel like my body was failing to be fully female.  That I was so inadequate.  Doubt if God really trusted me to be a mother, giving me Miss Perfect and just that. It took me a long time to come to my senses and even longer to process the facts.  I want children.  I can have children (obviously, I have one).  I had a miscarriage.  One miscarriage isn't considered anything.  (It's past that and consecutively that it's a concern.)

Now that all being said, I didn't tell you that so that you would feel sad for me.  I'm really doing better than I expected with the whole situation.  I told you that story so that I can share this next one with you.

In Relief Society this last Sunday, we had a lesson on the Gathering of Scattered Israel (that's a name of a talk, I think, but the teacher gathered lots of talks).  We talked about the obvious, temple work, genealogy, missionary work, etc..  It was a pretty good lesson.  In part of it we talked about the Abrahamic covenant.  About Abraham and Sarah, about Jacob and Leah and Rachel.  Sarah was barren.  Leah's husband loved her sister.  Rachel's "womb was closed" because Jacob loved Rachel.  Now I'm not in any situation quite like any of these women.  My husband loves me and I'm not barren.  But my recent experiences have given me an entirely different view...on the world as a whole really.  When we started talking about these women, I was surprised to find that my heart broke for them.  Understanding more than I had before about the desire to have children.  About doing things right and wishing for righteous blessings and being denied, for whatever reason.  I understood a little better about them.  About their lives.  About what it was they really had to deal with.  I'm quite positive that when the scriptures say that "Sarah laughed", that she also cried and with probably so much joy in her heart.  And knowing that "God remembered Rachel" helps me remember that God will remember me too.  That he lets me go through hard things and for good reasons (that I often don't understand).  All I can hope is that God remembered Leah too.  It's really not her fault, I don't think, that she married Jacob.  I'm sure she would have preferred to marry someone who really loved her...on purpose.  I don't know that any number of children could make up for such a situation.  And I'll take my lot in life over any of these women.

On Creating Habits

For Cathryn, first of all, these are my thoughts on habits, any habit really, and this is what I do to continue habits (note it's not 100% successful at everything, but I find that it works for me better than anything else).

1. Think about something (i.e. daily scripture study, or journal writing)
2. Decide you want it to be a habit (just decide, it's a very important step though, don't underestimate)
3. Decide that you care so much about making this thing a habit that it is worth going to bed 30 seconds later than you were going to, on a bad day. (Makes it a little less enormous of a thing to do.)
4. Now do that thing everyday.  (Hard part I know.)
1. Oh, but I'm so tired and I need to get up early and blah blah blah blah...my suggestion, read one verse, write one sentence, just do it, for the sake of creating a habit.
2. Hmmm...it's still pretty early and the thought just occurred to me that I haven't read yet and I should probably do that.  (Use willpower and just do.  This will make you so happy when you do.  When you don't, you find yourself in number 1 situations a lot and that just gets obnoxious.)
3. Oh no!  I forgot to read yesterday, my precious habit is destroyed!!!  (Don't fret, just read today.)
4. Make up other situations that I can't think of right now and decide what's appropriate.

So, maybe reading a verse a day isn't the most spiritual thing to do, but when you're starting to make a habit, you could have your 2 to 3 days of reading and 4 to 5 days of just 1 verse.  It will change eventually and it gets easier to remember and your stamina can change from read 1 verse to read 1 page to read 1 chapter or read 1 whatever you study.  You find that the time commitment of scripture study is actually quite minimal.  (It can still be a daily struggle though, it is often for me, especially on routine-free days.)

Other things that can help

• Ryan and I check up on each other's scripture study (and lots of other goals too).  We ask each other if we've read.  We kind of put that expectation on each other.  It works for us.  Might not work for you.
• Something else, couldn't think of anything.

Scripture Study--Cathryn

I loved your post, Melissa. I wanted to comment on it, but I figured I'd just start a new post since it's the topic of the month anyway.

You and I should be scripture buddies. I struggle with making the scriptures as big of a part of my life as I should, too, but it's for the exact opposite reason: I am the worst person in the world at sticking to a routine or keeping a schedule or establishing good habits. (Totally gross confession? It wasn't until COLLEGE that I consistently brushed my teeth every night.) Every single Sunday I get the impression that I need to read my scriptures every day, and every week I make it 2 or 3 days. When I pray about problems I'm having or trying to figure out a question, the answer is almost always that I need to read my scriptures every day, but do you think I could do that? Nope. I really do have a powerful testimony about the positive impact that consistent scripture study has on my life. To continue with a gross metaphor, it's seriously like the difference in the way your mouth feels if you don't brush your teeth on the days when I don't read my scriptures. Things seem harder; I have less patience; answers don't come as clearly or as readily. It's one of those principles for me that hinges really strongly on the law of obedience--that the Lord is bound when we do what he says--because even when I don't put much effort into thinking or studying or pondering about what I'm reading, I still get the same blessings of peace and patience in my life the rest of the day. I don't get the same insights and answers when I'm lazy about my reading, but it's like that simple act of opening the book for 5 or 10 minutes is enough to turn the key to unlock my spiritually strong self that day. It's such a simple thing and it makes such a difference for me...why is it that I can't just do it every day? What is so hard about that? All the excuses from previous times in my life (too busy with work or school, etc.) are completely gone now. My days are slow and pretty laid-back. I have more than enough free time on my hands. What is wrong with me that I can't keep this simple habit? Honestly, I feel pretty defeated about it right now. Help!! It's been stressing me out and making me sad for a long time now. You'd think I could figure out how to change. How do you have the willpower to make a good habit, Melissa?

As far as getting more out of scripture study goes...obviously I don't read them often enough to get too burned out, haha. Let's see. Right now for my personal study, I'm reading the Gospels. Elder Bednar came and spoke to our stake and gave this beautiful lesson about Christ's character, and he told us to go home and read the Gospels and 3rd Nephi and look for examples of when Christ "turned outward instead of inward," times when he was selfless instead of putting his own needs or wants first. His talk to us was actually kind of identical to this one, called "The Atonement and the Journey of Mortality:" http://www.lds.org/liahona/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng (That was published in this month's Ensign, but it's based on a speech he gave at BYU-I like 10 years ago or something. I think he's been speaking on this subject for a long time now, haha.) The talk has seriously changed my whole perception of the Savior and it's helping me see the same old scripture stories in a new light.

So this time through, I'm trying to see the names in the scriptures as real people, not just characters in a worn-out old story, you know? Like, it's completely amazing to me that Peter and his brother just stood up and left their nets in the middle of what they were doing when Christ summoned them. Would I just stand up from my teaching desk and walk out on my students and my job if some man I'd never seen before told me he was the Savior and asked me to? Would I recognize him? And I keep thinking about Matthew (the one that wrote the Book of Matthew). He was one of the original apostles. I wonder what it was like to be an apostle back then. I feel like sometimes we forget that our apostles now were (are!) real people with real lives and careers and families and weaknesses and strengths and stories, too. I like reading the Wikipedia articles about the apostles because it helps make them seem more real and human to me. Like, did you know that Elder Hales was the president of the company that makes Pond's face cream (the kind I use!) before he was called as a general authority? Or that Elder Perry threw the first pitch at a Red Sox game once? (Scott and I actually saw him at the grocery store in Salt Lake one time. He is SO tall. He's like 6' 5" or something--taller than Scott, and that's even when he hunches over from being so old!) Or that Elder Scott has a PhD in nuclear engineering and was on the team that designed the Navy's first nuclear-powered submarine and the first commercial nuclear power plant? It really helps me feel like the messages the apostles give are more meaningful somehow when I feel like they're human and likeable people. Like how we all love Elder Uchtdorf so much, right? He's so real. He talked about Harry Potter and Back to the Future at stake conference, for Pete's sake.

Anyway, so I'm trying to find details as I read about the people in the scriptures that make them seem more real to me. So like Matthew was a tax collector, which meant he was one of the wealthy class of Roman government contractors, but also that he was an outcast from Jewish congregations because he was only paid if he took enough money from them to meet his contract. How did he get along with the other apostles? What was it like to hear him preach? It's only one verse long, but I've been thinking a lot about the story where Matthew gets called to be an apostle. (It's in Matthew 9:9.) It sounds like Christ was basically just walking down the street with his incomplete quorum of the twelve, past the tax office in the capital city of the region (Capernaum), and he stopped, went in, and asked Matthew to follow him. And he did. He just walked out of his cushy, wealthy job and life and left to travel with the Savior. How did his family feel? What compelled him to go? The book of Matthew is basically his journal of how he remembers the couple of years where Christ was traveling and preaching. What would it have been like to be there? I bet they basically camped or slept in members' houses a lot. It must have been really hard, but also really amazing, of course.

The scriptures (especially the Gospels, I feel like) are often so many stories jammed together and told in just a bare-bones way that it's easy for me to brush past them and forget about how these are real people's lives. I feel like I get so much more out of them when I slow down my reading and just try to think of where each story starts and stops, and then think about what the details would have filled in like. And I think about what the story would be like if it happened today, or about what concept Christ is trying to teach. The more I read, the more I really think that the scriptures are written on so many levels. I'm trying to find that second level--that principle that stays true whether it's now or 200 years from now or 2000 years ago--that each story or sermon is trying to say, and then think about how I would take it if I heard it in conference or saw it happen in church on Sunday or something. I don't always find that principle, but probably more days than not, I can feel the spirit help me find an application of what I'm reading for my life that day.

So like on good days (when I remember!) I like to pray before I read and ask that the spirit will help me see something in my reading to help me know what to do today, or help me understand something that I need to know about people in my life, like how I could help someone else, or just to help me change whatever attitudes or perspectives I have in my life that aren't in line with God's. Or sometimes I'll ask in my heart while I read about things that people disagree about in the world--politics, parenting, whatever--and wonder what Christ's response would be if someone asked him about that. I spend a lot of time searching for examples of parenting advice in the scriptures, actually. It's hard if you're looking for specific things like "do you let a baby cry it out or not?" But just looking for how Christ teaches people who have a hard time understanding, or how he responds when someone does something wrong...sometimes I can find examples of ways I can teach and help Luke better.

And, okay, a lot of the scripture stories in Matthew talk about how people react to Christ's invitation to join the church. Living in a place where so few people are members has really made me think about that invitation--would I be Mormon if I weren't raised that way? How would it feel to be approached by the missionaries? Would I recognize the spirit and the message? How can we talk to people about the church in ways that brings them closer to Christ, instead of making them feel weirded out or something? Would I be brave enough to say what I should say if someone asked? How can I touch people's hearts and not just declare truth? Both are scary to me! In Matthew, a lot of Christ's followers were mocked or kicked out of their communities for joining with him, and a lot of times the same thing happened in the Book of Mormon. It seems like in the scriptures the church is always the minority and always looked at as being kind of weird, which feels very appropriate to me right now with Romney and the election and all the weird media coverage like Broadway musicals and all the Mormon.org stuff and living in "the mission field" and being in a branch and far away from family and everything everything everything. You know? It's a cool time to be a Mormon but also a crazy one.

Anyway, I'm super rambling now. Sorry. I guess I just feel like I get the most out of the scriptures when I spend just as much time (more time, really) thinking and wondering and just being still and listening as I do reading. And I feel like the (VERY) few times when I write those thoughts down in a journal, it's a lot easier for me to feel answers the next time I study. (Obviously I only try to read when Tornado Luke is sleeping, haha.) Elder Scott's last two conference talks, I think, were both awesome ones about receiving revelation--they're seriously so great & worth rereading. He talks a lot about how to record inspiration in a way that helps you receive more. Anyway. I just really need to put my words & feelings into action and actually COMMIT to making it a habit! Seriously, how do you do that??

Scripture Study

Hey All!

I think scripture study is one of the hardest areas for me, as far as Sunday school answers are concerned.  It's not that I don't study/read, usually that's read, my scriptures daily because consistently committing to things is not something I have a problem with.  I'm pretty good with consistency, it's more that I struggle to consistently feel like I'm getting a lot out of what I'm reading or sometimes remembering what it is I read from day to day.  This is one category that seriously goes in waves for me.  I say this all as an intro and so that you hopefully feel welcome to share your ideas of what will work or what you does that does work.

More specifically, since conference just happened, the conference ensign.  Last conference I buckled down and read at least a talk a day once the ensign came.  I was so proud of myself for sticking 100% to that exact schedule, but when I was done (and that really doesn't take long) I didn't know what to do with the ensign.  Obviously I could read it again and again and again and I think that's a good thing, but what else can you do to study conference talks.  Anybody ever found anything cool.

Shortened version of this post:  Feeling burned out of my current study habits.  They work ok, not great.  Anything work great for you?  Anything you think would work great?

Ok, love you all, bye.

Some boring stuff: Making a trust

I know this isn't this month's topic, but I wanted to tell you guys what I learned this week.  Corey and I went to a dinner presentation about trusts.  We didn't really know what they were, but my parents just got one and encouraged us to do the same.  We were the youngest there by a lot!  But, I think it's something that's important to do when you have young kids.

A trust is basically a contract that lives on after you die.  It includes things like a living will (a will that says when you want your family to pull life support) and power of attorney for when you get old and can't make your own decisions.  Obviously, we don't need those things for a long time.  It also includes your will, but a will can be disputed in court.  If it's part of a trust, it can't.  The big deciding factor for us though is that it's a guarantee that if we die when our kids are minors, they will be raised the way we want.  We could put their guardians in a will, but anyone could come to court and dispute that and possibly win.  We want to be very specific with who will take our kids.  In a trust, it's also easier to dictate who will handle the life insurance money and HOW it will be used.  If you leave everything to your kids in a simple will, as soon as they turn 18, they get all the life insurance money they are entitled to. I don't know about you, but I don't want any 18yo getting $500,000.  With a trust, you can specify.  For example, 

18-24 years old the child will have the expenses of college, a wedding, and a mission covered.  They can get a job and work for whatever else they need.

The child gets a third of their inheritance at 24, 27, and finally 30.

That's not ours, we haven't set it up yet, it's just the example given at the presentation.

Anyway, it's boring and lame, but if you're like me and there would be a lot of people fighting over your kids or you want to make sure your kids spend their money wisely, it might be something to look into.

About Allie

Hey guys! I've finally joined!  We haven't had internet to save money, but we have it now.  Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, apparently we suck at taking family pictures.  But, here's one of me (23 weeks along).

Me and Savannah

Savannah and Corey

Beautiful Savannah on her brand new swing set (or park as she calls it)

Right now, our biggest thing going on is my pregnancy.  I'm 24 weeks right now and holy cow, I think I'm WAY bigger than I was in that picture up there. Seriously.  I can feel her kicking way up by my ribs now.  It's crazy.  I'm not going to lie, I am a little terrified to have two, but I'm sure I'll figure it out.  Savannah is excited for her little sister (most days).  I can't wait for her to meet her.  She's become a psycho about other people's babies.  If I hold one and then give him back to the mom, she starts yelling, "No! That's mommy's baby! That's Savannah's baby! Put the baby in the car! Take the baby to the family house!"  She's like a crazy kidnapper...

We're making a garden.  We have a big space all tilled up and we're going to go buy plants for it next week.  I want to grow tomatoes, peppers, and herbs.  What other stuff should we try?  I seriously want like 4 basil plants.  I want to have tomato basil pasta every day of my life.  We also need to go buy some flowers to beautify our poor yard.  When we moved in last year, the lawn hadn't been watered or mowed all summer long.  It was bad.  This year it's looking a lot better (it's greener now than in those pics because we've had some rain) but it still needs a lot of work and weeding.  But, Savannah is thrilled with all the dandelions :).

We are starting cloth diapering!  I ordered 4 to try out from a website called alvababy.com.

Cute, huh?  We tried out flip covers but Savannah hated them.  She LOVES these.  They're pocket diapers and so far I'm a fan.  We have a bunch more coming, but I got free shipping from China so they're taking forever to get here.  I also have a bunch of newborn sized ones on the way.

Corey is working for Chase Bank and doing well.  He works in downtown SLC (about 30 minutes away) and we hope that he can eventually transfer to a branch nearer by.  He's a great dad and husband.  It's so crazy that we're coming up on our 5 year anniversary!  I feel like it was just yesterday we met and were working together and possibly driving my roommates crazy ;), and now we've got 1.5 kids, two cars, and a house...

My job is babysitting three girls in their home.  They are 4, 2, and 9 months.  I take Savannah with.  It's M, Th, F 10-4.  Holy cow, it's hard!  The dad works from home and that makes what would normally be a minimally stressful situation 10x worse.  But, it's fine and hey, only 3 months left!

And then there's Savannah.  Oh man, what can I even say about Savannah.  She's talking very well now.  She says new sentences all the time.  She loves movies and books and songs.  Lately scriptures have been making her super excited.  She's started noticing things.  Like yesterday she said to me, "A potty is a lot like a clam." She has an amazing memory.  The other day we were at Corey's mom's house.  As we were leaving, she said, "I saw a grasshopper and a spider here!"  It's true, she did see those things in the driveway.  Last April.  I said to Corey, "No wonder she gets so stressed out.  She has so many thoughts and memories in her little head!"  Corey said, "I think she needs a Pensieve."  I think he's right...  She is such a little worrier and so scared of everything which she totally got from me.  She loves spiders, snakes, sharks, and dinosaurs which she got from who knows where.  She's fun, but she's very hard.  I've worked with a lot of 2-year-olds and the vast majority are not as difficult and demanding as she is (she was the same way as a baby).  If Lily is as hard as Savannah, we are seriously considering having two kids.  I hope she's more easy going though.  I have really wanted to start potty training, but when I put Savannah on the potty (we've tried a toddler potty and a small seat on the adult toilet) she screams and yells, "I won't go pee pee in the potty! I don't want to wear panties! I want my diaper!"  So, I have a hunch she's not ready :P.

Our routine is, um, not very routine.  The days I work, Corey wakes up with Savannah and I get up when he leaves at 8 (thanks for the extra sleep Corey!).  We get ready to leave by 9:30, go to work, come home and make dinner.  Since my job drives me crazy, I tend to fill up my days off with fun.  So, I often do a playdate in the morning, go to Spanish Fork to see my mom, or hang out with Rachael.  I LOVE being close to my family.  Savannah is trying to give up naps, but I won't let her dang it!  If she skips her nap, she ends up crashing around 4:30, refuses to be woken up for at least an hour, wakes up cranky, and then refuses bed until like 10.  So, a lot of naps are accomplished by her crying herself to sleep in the crib which we both kind of hate, but she needs her sleep!

My hopes and dreams...  I want to go back to school.  I miss BYU soooo much!  I love being a mom, but I miss that interaction with professors and educated people my age.  I want to get my master's somehow (online probably).  I want to get a Master's of Social Work and be a child therapist.  I have no idea when this will happen, but I think about it a lot.

My big goal right now is I'm trying not to be the world's worst housekeeper. I really struggle with keeping things clean and picked up, but I'm trying really hard to get better.  I'm lucky that Corey helps out a lot since I am gone three days a week, but I feel like I should be organized and doing more.  I'm working on it though.

My confession: I miss having friends.  I miss all of you like crazy!  I have a hard time connecting with most of the women in my ward and I'm not sure why.  I've made a few friends recently and that's good, but I don't know if I can ever be as close with them as with you guys.  You guys were there for so many important milestones in my life!  Melissa, Cathryn, and I grew up together and Katie helped me analyze every bit of my relationship with Corey.  You knew I was in love way before I did :).  No one else can replace that.

Anyway, sorry about the novel, I'm just really excited about this blog :).

So tell us about you, about your family, about what's going on, about how things are, about your routine, about your hopes, about your dreams, about anything you want to share.

Garden Update

No, I don't have a garden (it is border-line early for that), but now that I've moved, I bought a few pots (that's the kind of gardening around here, that or flowers).  I've decided to do a little of both.  I'm allowed to plant flowers in the ground around my apartment, but not vegetables, so I bought some snapdragons and petunias.  I think I'll plant them next week, if the weather is good enough.

I'm going to plant a tomato...kind still to be determined.

I'm going to plants some herbs too, in my kitchen...kind also to be determined.

I'm going to plant something else too, since I have a couple other pots.

I'm an aspiring gardener...meaning my vegetable plants grow leaves and if I'm lucky the fruit too.  I've never had herbs grow well enough to use them.  I've never even grown flowers before, so we'll see how this goes.  I'm not very good at this, but it's just so worth it to see something grow at all.

Pictures to exist someday.

...and I'm a Conference failure

Do you ever have those weekends where you feel like you're constantly catching your breath darting from one thing to another and you never have time to rest? Conference weekend was unfortunately one of those for me. I slept through about half of the talks, including Elder Uchtdorf's now-famous one...oops. HOWEVER! I have my repentance planned! I want to watch the videos of the talks I missed during naptime this week. Much easier to concentrate then than it was trying to chase a toddler around during the sessions.

What was your favorite thing about Conference? What have you remembered most?

I'm a gardening failure...

...or at least a gardening blogging brainstorming failure. My biggest gardening accomplishment this year has been cultivating a healthy, growing board on Pinterest called "Garden Ideas." Ha! Seriously, though, I actually made a conscious decision this time around to scale back my aspirations. Here's my list of excuses:

• I had wanted to do about 8 big hanging pots with vegetables and about 20 smaller potted herbs (imagining the flowing greenery blanketing my porch got me through many a dreary winter day!), but then we decided we were moving in May and trying to keep that many plants alive trucking across the county sounded like more fun than I had signed up for. 
• I discovered through talking to the locals that squirrels are notorious around here for devouring your hard-earned crops. People go to great lengths to build squirrel-proof hutches, nets, cages, what have you. Again, more fun than I had planned on...
• Here's the real kicker, though--I wanted (want) to garden first and foremost as a money-saving measure. The problem started when I crunched the numbers in early March and realized that, at least the first year, it would cost me at least twice as much to plant a vegetable garden as I would save in harvested produce, even when you factor in all the free stuff I was able to find or that people offered me (like composted potting soil & buckets for container gardening). Part of what throws off the cost ratio for me is the fact that St. Louis is the trading/selling hub for all the farms in rural Missouri and southern Illinois, so we can get super cheap, nice produce most months of the year. 

I still plan to make gardening a big part of my (future) home life, but after researching for several weeks, I determined that 2012 is just not the year to start any big-scale growing projects. Once we get our own permanent place (probably spring of 2015), I'll definitely start dreaming big again! In the meantime, I think I will try one happy little tomato plant this summer, just to get the feel for how things grow in Missouri and to get me in the habit of actually taking care of an outdoor plant. If it ends up on the sacrificial altar to the squirrel gods, so be it. 

Melissa, I'm so excited you're going to grow a few things! You'll definitely have to keep us updated on how everything goes! Everyone I've talked to says tomatoes are the way to go for easy-to-grow. Seems like the climate of the midwest is designed to grow just about anything, though...I feel like I live inside an enormous greenhouse.